Living With The Player

CAMILLA RENÉE

TUESDAY.

“Athena’s parents have been a family friend. At the very least that’s the story they gave me when my father introduced them in our living room.”

I pretend not to exist in the room. I don’t shift for any sound. Dylan meets the ceiling while enunciating as though this was a reminiscence to himself than a profession to me. I don’t mind truly. I’m here to listen.

“I didn’t care for the likes of them. I just yearned to play video games, text, maybe toss on a few leather jackets.”

“But then she came over. The Williams were over for dinner twice. As at the third invitation, I bolt the door and stayed inside. I only went down for a glass of water. That’s when I saw her. My first thought was, “how old do you have to be to get married”

He chuckles, sliding both hands underneath his head.

“Then she glanced at me and it was like an enchantment. The beginning of my torment.”

“I spent my free time with her. Movies. Dancing. Texting. Laughing. I was falling for her and she misled me into thinking she fell for me too. And when we kissed, I was gone for. I loved her with every sense, every blood, every bone, my entire being existed for her.”

He’s talking lowly again.

“How did you find out she was using you?”

He latches his eyes to mine, asserting my presence. Those eyes, they’ve never been this dull and full of so much suffering.

“I overheard my parents discussing the contract. Father said he didn’t have a good feeling about it and when I tried to move away, I caught Athena hearing in as well. She said she was trying to find me. A lie. I had grown used to her expressions that I knew it was an instant lie, but I loved her still so I jabbed it away and enjoyed her spell.”

“And then she switched up. Instead of teenage talks. Movies. Beaches. She would utter talks of the company. How an alliance would mean both of us never get separated. Those were her words, and they worked. I saw it from her eyes and I wanted nothing more.”

“My parents didn’t budge with my word. Athena flared with bitterness and cried. She said I didn’t love her enough and left. I couldn’t bear her rage so I followed. I saw her ledger tossed away in her bag. She kept details of her progress. She made me a case and left passages. Detailed entries of the both of us. Side note on how I was easy to manipulate and get to. I read the entire thing, but I wasn’t hurt. I was not upset. I was a sick bastard who only felt the need to give Athena what she desired.”

Dylan’s eyes are closed, but he recites tenderly.

“I imagined If I did this she’d love me more. You know like in the books? Fate dating then falling in love.”

He chortles softly.

“I was a fool. I succeeded, but I was a fool.”

He switches from laughter to irritation.

“I got her the contract. I assured my parents to sign. And Athena walked away from me. She ceased to return my calls. She stopped coming over. I wasn’t permitted to see her and weeks later, she left the country. She wielded me. I let her use me. I used me.”

“The contract, did it do much harm to your father’s company?”

Every time I cut in, his eyes glisten. I pull him back from whatever damnation he had descended into.

“It wasn’t a parasitic relationship, but they earned so much and my father got peanuts. He was smart to put a validity clause, so we got out after three years, but I know they both blame me. I blame myself. It’s me not sympathising with them. I only mourned her. I was angry at losing her.”

He twirls his fingers in midair.

“I made such a huge mistake, and I didn’t care for a long time. A year later I got better. But I couldn’t risk loving. I closed off. I detested myself. And I packed Athena’s history in a box and kept it which is why I do not know if I love her still. Which is why I needed your help.”

He finally seats straight, latching one finger onto the other, then gaping. At me.

“And now that you know everything Camilla; how much of a fuck up am I?”

“You aren’t.”

I answer, dropping the notepad and pen.

“The truth is; You were a kid. We were all kids. Hell, our moral compass was based on stupid kinks, drugs, and alcohol. What you did was shitty, and it cost your parents so much. It formed the basis of you believing you’re a screw-up-”

“I am.”

He croaks like he’s in pain. Like the entire thing was burning from his insides.

“You were Dylan. Past tense. You’re not a kid anymore. You’re older. Wiser. More experienced. I can’t tell you if Athena is the love of your life, that part is for you to figure out by yourself, but the entire relationship was built on lies. It was toxic. But I can’t tell you how to feel. I can only help with the mental block. The ideology is that one mistake should define your entire life. It shouldn’t. I can say with absolute certainty your parents have forgiven you. Now you have to acquit yourself. It’s crappy. It’s hard. But the only way you’ll move on is to free yourself.”

“What if I can’t?”

“Then you’ll be lost in yourself and her. Reliving the cycle of hurting others as a defence mechanism for getting hurt in the past.”

“Camilla-”

“That night when I walked in on both of you.”

He pauses tensing immediately.

“The pain was excruciating. I couldn’t breathe because I forgot how to. I could not think since every reasoning had left my body. It broke me apart and for months I wasn’t myself. I created a defence mechanism as well. I blocked anyone from getting too close to hurt me.”

“You’re with Jimmy.”

He breathes. It’s not ridiculing or hoaxing. More of a reminder.

“Ah, yes. I said yes to Jimmy because I needed a breath of fresh air, he had all the right boxes and I didn’t want to live in the dark. I didn’t want that defence so I ripped it apart. And in doing so, I let go of what you did. I refused to let it dictate my actions.”

I exhaled. “I forgave you.”

I whisper, clipping my eyelids shut.

“Are you saying this too-”

“No. It’s nothing but the truth. I forgave you for everything because I wanted to move on. I haven’t thought of that night in months now. It’s why I could stand so close to you, why I could speak freely without so much resentment. It still hurts like shit, but that rage just isn’t there. I need you to know that Dylan. And I need you to forgive yourself. It’s the only way you’ll be happy.”

He’s shaking again. His shoulders are raking with whispers of a sob. I count just three and they’re barely audible.

“It’s not just Athena. Tons of other girls. I scared them. Including you. How do I forgive myself for that?”

“I told you yesterday. Acknowledge your fault. Admit the part you had to play in it and let go. Then move on with your life.”

He pokes his head off the side of the chair, groaning loudly.

A few seconds later, he pops up abruptly and makes his way over to me.

My brows knit in confusion, my knees clamp together and Dylan drops to my level, crouching then steadily his hands over each lap.

I freeze momentarily, letting the shock register in my head.

“What are you doing?”

He runs a few fingers through the length of his hair and then exhales.

“It’s impossible to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I can’t let them know how stupid or selfish it was or the reason I did those things was out of hurt. I can apologise to you though.”

“Dylan that was almost a year ago, and I told you I’ve-”

“Yes. You’ve forgiven me, but that’s in context. That’s your mental block. You’re saying it to move on, but have you really? Or have you told yourself it many times that a lie has shaped itself into the truth? There’s another reason why you can stand being near me, but it isn’t because you’ve pardoned me. I know that because I did not earn your forgiveness.”

Another reason?

“But you’ve already apologised-”

“No. That night I don’t think I was sorry.”

I wince as a string of hurt reaches my chest.

“No… I mean I don’t think my apology was genuine. I tried to kiss you afterwards. I didn’t fully understand how deeply I hurt you. Something still focused me on myself and my needs. I knew what I did was terrible that’s why I ran after you, but that was a crappy apology and I should’ve done more.”

“Dylan-”

“No. Let me finish. The only way I can forgive myself is if I clear my conscience for breaking you. For making you feel you have to date someone else. For pushing you to be with someone else. For the months of pain. Sorrow. Heartache. Tears. For making you miss out on beautiful things because you were healing. For being me. For losing you.”

I gulp. My mind is crying out a contradiction to those words, but I can’t mouth them. He’s wrong. Right? I’m not with Jimmy because of Dylan. I didn’t date Jimmy as validation for moving on. Right?

“I’ve carried the weight of my actions and the pain of being hurt by a loved one. I transfer that aggression and I am sorry. Camilla, I am sorry. For making you feel less worthy. For making you think I’m indecisive about you. For making you feel unworthy. For you have to see that disgusting act. For not knowing how to properly care for you. I am completely sorry.”

His voice fails him and mine is stuck in my throat, lowering my head to keep my gaze on him. He’s shuddering still.

Then, his hands creep from my thighs and pull my right hand. He takes it up to his lips, placing a kiss at the centre. His lips leave an invisible branding and I’m blinking back as many tears as I can.

“Anyone with a brain knows you’re-perfection. Entirely perfect. Certainly magnificent. The lots of me is undeserving of you.”

He murmurs, grazing his lips at the edge of my thumb before letting go.

“Dylan, I-”Content protected by Nôv/el(D)rama.Org.

He grins. It covers his entire face and all the words just hang in my throat. “Forgive me.”

He hums.

“Thank you, Camilla. For everything. I think there’s one more thing I have to do.”

“W-What?”

I stutter, startled by how quickly he veers the topic.

“Athena. I need to speak with Athena. There are a few questions only she can give answers to.”

“Are you sure?”

He nods in affirmation.

“Even if the answers aren’t what I expected, that’s fine. It’s better than being curious for the rest of my life. And hopefully, I’ll be able to get closure and finally let go.”

I stare at him in awe. A million thoughts just gushing through me. I had forgiven him… I think. But he still apologised. And the things he said about Jimmy and me. Were those just off-topic additions or are they more vital than I give credit for?

“It’s getting late. We should go.”

I nod twice. This is a new shade of Dylan.

******